I adore my toddler. I really do. But she keeps reminding me of a super-villain.
Some of the resemblances are obvious. The fits of rage. The disregard for the rule of law. The casual violence. But I’ve also noticed toddlers and super-villains weirdly talk the same.
I think it’s the way they often avoid using contractions i.e. ‘can’t’, ‘don’t’, ‘isn’t’ etc.
Super-villain: ‘I will not tolerate your insolence!’
Toddler: ‘I will not put on my butterfly vest!’
Add in some kind of exertion (say during an epic battle or jammy time) and the similarity is even more striking:
Super-villain: ‘I. Will. Never. Be. Defeated! Neverrrr!’
Toddler: ‘Do. Not. Brush. My. Teeth. GRRRR YOU WILL NOT BRUSH MY TEEEETH!’
Another thing is how toddlers and super-villains both have a tendency to describe what they’re doing out loud:
Super-villain: ‘Now [super-hero] your doom is nigh, my plan must be clear even to you? In seven minutes time, I will be able to control all the missiles/satellites/computers/stock markets in the world from here in my secret lair. Then the nations of the world will have no choice but to do my bidding. Ha Ha Haaa!’
Toddler: ‘I drawing Mummy and Daddy with my crayon. Now I go play park have ice cream. Ha Ha Haaa!’
So does this mean that super-villains are imitating toddlers? Does this mean that my toddler is really a super-villain? I don’t know. But the similarities are unsettling.
David Mitchell 