Who’d have thought that having a child would not only fill your house with equipment, tiny clothes, vomit, smells, and (usually) joy, but a load of really useful things for Daddy too. Here are some of them…
1. Tired of that ‘just electrocuted’ look when you get up in the morning? No problem. Johnson’s ‘No More Tangles’ baby hair conditioner will bring frizz of any age right back down to earth.
2. Unwilling to bear the social shame of bringing your own food into a cafe but resent having to pay two pounds for a bun? With a baby, you’ll always have a little packet of kiddy biscuits in your ever-present nappy bag, and there’s no need to hide them under the table because they’re ‘for the baby’, right? Right! They’re yum too. Malty.
3. Baby wipes: good for baby, good for when Daddy can’t get through his Bolognese without spattering himself. Good also for when he talks and has forgotten his mouth is full of Ribena. Good also for when he doesn’t have time for a shower. Just really good.
4. How often the universe delights in supplying us with a yogurt pot and no spoon. We know the options. Fitting your face into the pot. ‘Drinking’ the yogurt (ah that old myth…). Or using the plastic spoon that’s been at the bottom of your bag for months. And yet, for years apparently, babies have been getting to suck their yogurt, plus a load of other cool fruit smoothie/puree things, with total ease out of squeezy pouches. And they never told us! Join them.
5. Everyone knows that ice cream tastes best when eaten with a plastic spoon, yet we persist in using metal ones that clank unpleasantly against the teeth. Thankfully, having a baby in the house means that there is always a fun assortment of plastic cutlery to choose from. As I always say, tiny pink plastic spoons: not just for baby.
6. And finally, music. Appreciating classical music is a failed aspiration of mine. It’s frequently depressing and, worst of all, has no beat. However, since someone bought us ‘Mozart for Baby’ CDs, they’ve been a staple in our house. Who cares if they are instilling in baby a love of music or soothing her or turning her into Einstein? Daddy wants to hear kiddy Mozart. The selection and performances are awesome: no misery, just hits and hooks and happiness. Damn, we’re sophisticated.
So there you go. Maybe not six reasons to have a baby, but proof certainly that parenthood is full of unexpected blessings.
David Mitchell 